For answer
by Blixa
Summary: The ultimate asnwer to everyhing lies within you.


The evening was quiet, late November. Rain fell from the cloudy sky for what seemed like forever, and some lighting shined from time to time. Sharp wind howled through the streets and toyed with the last remains of autumn leaves. Now thunder grumbled above it all, like a rock thrown into abyss. Then silence again... just the twisted humming of endless rain filling the scenery.

We worked our way deep into the deserted city. By then it was nothing more than a boring routine - the killing I mean. We passed corpses stocked with more corpses, shot, burned, cut open, torn to pieces and all we could do was yawn. What we were passing weren't people anymore, they were nothing more than heavy packs of decaying meat. I guess we were there for too long, it began to show. Now killing was just something to do.

To tell you the truth, I was more worried about the cold. A little less philosophic, I know. With every new day the winter was stronger, with every new day December was closer. I wasn't sure what the date was, but I didn't care much to ask about it anyway. But judging from the white spots on the nearby scenery, this will be our next Christmas on the battlefield. Another Christmas in the middle of some war.

The last war. The resource war. War for oil and water. No arm slaves, no tanks, used only when necessary. Fuel is more expensive than gold. You wouldn't fuel your car with gold, would you? What this war is fought by is the infantry.

No complains here, killing is killing – no sugarcoating it by a giant mecha robots anymore.

We were wet from head to toe, freezing and bone tired. After the eternity long march we had just an hour to rest. Then as always the rest was interrupted by order to search the city. Or should I say clean up the city?

When we had finally saw the first bombed house. Headquarters informed us that we got there from exactly opposite direction than we planned. One of those moments when I was fed up with the whole soldier game.

The town wasn't too wide, so it wasn't long until we reached the destroyed square. In the middle was a fountain drilled with bullet holes, it was dirty and dried up, maybe it was white long time ago. Opposite from us we noticed something which could be the city hall. We started walking there.

"Ok, guys," captain said quietly, as we covered in half-bombed entrance of a convenience store, "the objective is clear. We have to search every piece of this city and if there is only one ugly bastard who'll like to comfort us with lead, you know, what to do."

Others quietly nodded. They weren't in the mood for jokes. All they wished for was to go home, of course home wasn't there anymore. Captain spat, looked around him, then took out his map.

"Zmerkowic, Weber, Allen and Cowboy are with me. Craze, Kid and Mao have the other side," he showed the way with his hand, then pointed at the map. "Quiet and fast. As always. We don't want to die in this freaking shit hole, right?"

"No, sir." We said in one voice. I felt fatigue and cold from that voice. It reeked of the same as the destroyed city – loneliness, despair.

"Sagara," Captain turned to me, "you dig yourself in that house and be ready for our report. You know what to do."

I slowly nodded and switched to the Sniper rifle, I was a sniper for god knows how long since Kurz had some accident with burned glass and couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't care, killing is killing.

"Okay, boys," Captain whispered. "Let's do it."

We looked at each other and said our good luck, and then the unit parted. It wasn't long until I was alone. I waited for a little while longer. I knew what to do, what they wanted from me. We all knew, that's why we didn't need to contact the HQ and await further orders, it was always the same. Orders weren't changing - 'You see anyone, kill him and report it. If something big happens, play a quiet boy in your hole and call us back. If you see them getting reinforcements, fire the flare. You cover our asses, until we come back. Everything else is your problem.'

I spat out my chewing gum, which lost it's strawberry flavor long, long time ago and got ready. The hands on my watch showed a little past midnight. I scanned the square with night-vision and slowly got out from cover. The others were long gone, they disappeared somewhere in the back alleys. I watched the house where I should cover myself for a while, measured the distance. Then like a shadow I dove into the nearest archway and quietly ran toward my new cover. In all those years I learned to ignore dead bodies, they were just sack of something. Meat devoid of kinetic energy. You slowly begin to realize that human can get along with anything – you can learn to ignore that omnipresent death. Friends weren't dying - they were simply not there anymore, replaced by new ones. And corpses, laying in puddles of blood were not there either, they didn't exist.

Then it happened, I stepped into something soft and nearly fell. Luckily I caught a piece of fence. When I regained my balance, I saw unmoving figure under my legs. A girl.

Long, long time ago, when I was human when I could be scared - maybe I would crouch down beside that sour young girl, moved her on her back and closed her eyes. But I wasn't in the mood and I didn't have the time. I turned so many corpses, and closed so many eyes, it was enough for one lifetime. But still I stopped for a while. I studied her dirty hair, which covered her face, her soft skin and beautiful figure. What a shame. These beauties weren't fit into our world, they shouldn't be here, they shouldn't die here. For a while I had a urge to swing the hair out of the way and get a look at her face. Then I stopped and backed away. It was better this way. Only God knows why I stopped there like that. Maybe... maybe she resembled someone. But I couldn't remember who. I shook my head. Memories were the last thing I needed. So I turned around and continued my way quickly. I shouldn't stop there and I shouldn't even think. You don't need to think, you just have to pull the trigger. There are ranks above you to do the thinking.

When I got to the place, I was quite surprised that the cracked roof was able to hold itself together. Silently I pulled back the muzzle on my pistol, then braced it in my left hand and walked slowly to the second floor. The house was deserted. I started to get the feeling that the whole town died from some ugly disease. Wouldn't be the first time. I set the support stand for the rifle, then I pulled some ripped armchairs and pushed as many rags as I found in between them. When I was comfortable, I laid behind the rifle and aimed. I switched the optics to thermovision and... I waited.

One minute, ten minutes, thirty, an hour.

Nothing happened. Just thunder grumbled from time to time and humming rain drummed into the roof above me. I was tired. I fought with the urge and made my eyes open again and again, until my eyes got all teared up. I scanned the street again, there was no one there anyway. I shrugged, set alarm on my watch and laid my head slowly. Thirty minutes of some rest couldn't possibly kill me. There was nobody alive expect us in this town anyway.

What woke me up was a subdued cry.

I was instantly up. My hand instinctively reached for the rifle, even before I knew I was awake I already held the trigger automatically. Then I came back to myself and knew what was happening.

That cry belonged to that girl, which I mistook for a corpse just a couple of minutes ago. She was pulled by three men right into the middle of the square. From the shape of their helmets and the color of their camouflage I knew those weren't any of our guys. My hand moved to the transmitter... I stopped. They were just three. I waited for a while in case others show up, laid my hand again and looked through the optics.

Meanwhile the soldiers led the girl to the lip of the square, just twenty meters from building, where I laid covered in a pile of junk. I was watching her struggle. No chance, they were too strong for her. They dragged her through the sharp stones on the pavement. They threw her on some burned mattress laying near a big pile of furniture. One soldier hit her in her face, hard. She almost fainted, the second one started to undo his pants. She fought, desperate and wild, but no use against three soldiers.

I finally made up my mind. I couldn't take it any longer. Just when one soldier had his pants down, I aimed. Shot echoed, then another and the third. Then silence. Three shots, three bullets, three kills. Nothing more and nothing less. Plus three to the bodycount.

"What's happening there? Over." It was captain on the other side of the transmitter.

"Three stragglers, captain," I said. "I took care of them. Over."

There was silence for a while.

"Understood. Be careful, if there were three, then there's a good chance of more coming. Keep your position for now. Over."

"Copy that, seven over."

The transmitter hummed and the connection closed and world was quiet again. All that time I talked with Captain, I was watching her. She fell to side and laid there, half naked, helpless, in the middle of the biggest rain ever. I stared at her, and I knew I was biggest moron on the planet. I stared at her and my thoughts caught up with me. My thoughts surrounded me, crushed me, tortured me and ripped me open. There was one thing in mind, spinning like rock in a rock polishing machine. One thing I wished not to be true. I wished I was wrong.

She was there and she was dying, I knew it, she lost lots of blood. Her body was getting cold and I silently watched. The white of thermovision got red, orange, yellow. She was crying for a while... then... she was silent.

I slowly backed away from the optics. I knew that I'll get up, that I'll disobey direct orders. But who the hell cares, who? I was here alone, all alone. Who would care, that I'm not playing according to the rules of that fucking game called war. That fucked game which turned into comedy. No one. So nobody cares if I stand up and walk away to save a life.

What an irony... sometimes I wonder, what I became... was I really going to let her just die?

And there was something screaming in my head and I needed to make sure it was just a misunderstanding.

I grabbed the transmitter and got out of my hole.

I approached her and saw that scratched face, all the life slowly creeping out of her. And I remembered.

I realized, that I know who this girl is, lying at my feet. She changed... Everyone, who got through this changed. There was no doubt. I dropped the rifle, fell to my knees and hugged her tight. And tears started, from somewhere deep inside they just got through. And I cried.

I saw more than a few dying people in my life. And in her eyes I sensed the death, like I sensed it many times before. Maybe if I made up my mind faster, if I never hesitated and if I never cared about my own fucking ass, maybe I could save her. It was too late now. She was dying and I couldn't do anything about it.

Before she breathed out for last time, she opened her eyes. I don't know if she recognized me. If she remembered all those kisses and touches which I gave her long, long time ago.

If she remembered that short time, when we were together eternity ago.

Long, long time ago, so far away that it seems to be from another world.

I don't know if she recognized me, my face so different from that young boy who took her to the movies once and she gave him an order to hold her hand on the way back.

I don't know, and maybe that's for the better.

Because that would made her death unbearable.

So that she would finally see the monster that I've become.

I sat there, and stared into her eyes and took her hand in mine. I think she smiled before the end. Or maybe I just imagined it. Her eyes widened, began to stare vacantly at nothing and her weak grip on my hand relaxed.

And I cried for a million years.

Then I kissed her a goodbye.

Everything was wrong.

I was sick. About to vomit. From the weather, from my gun, from this war, from everything.

I took my field shovel and began to dig.

I raised up and whispered a prayer, to nobody.

Then the transmitter crackled, "This is One, we're about to pull back no contact so far, how does it look over at your end Sousuke?"

"No, movement here anymore either," I said. "But do me a favor, okay?"

"What is it?"

"Call me Kashim, over."

"Well... alright 'Kashim', we'll be there in ten, keep your eyes open, over and out."

And this is where I belong, the war. This is where I'm supposed to be.

The planet torn into pieces and this is how it should be from the beginning. We're animals. We fight. Nobody makes killing machines out of anyone, they just kick them back on track.

Back home, that's the crazy part.

Because this, all this world of shit, this is real.


End file.
